Snowblind IC Inbox

[godsspeed]

@whatisthis

This device is meant to be a means of long-distance communication. It seems remarkably impractical.

Regardless, if you leave me a 'message' I will do my best to respond.

Comments

perma audio

[whiteknightnecromancer]

Could be better. Could be worse. Unharmed if not unscathed.

[There's a slight pause as Dorian runs that back in his head.]

I think you made a wise choice there. When we talked he seemed a good man. And naturally, we talked about you. I feel like I should apologize for how forcefully I phrased some of my questions before. I'm not sure that your possession of him was wholly necessary but I believe that from your perspective, you saw only worse alternatives.

[godsspeed]

You were right to be concerned, but thank you. Inaction would have been worse for him and everyone he had ever known than. This. But that doesn't mean I should have been as thoughtless about it as I was.

[whiteknightnecromancer]

[There have been too many hints that Castiel has been manipulated for Dorian to feel vindicated.]

Yes, well. You were trying to do the right thing based on what you'd been taught. I shouldn't really cast stones when it comes to that.

[godsspeed]

I'm trying to be better. Communicating with him like this isn't easy, but I'll keep working at it, and... if we're ever able to return to the world we came from, I'll do my best to return him to his family.

[ Which will mean leaving Sam and Dean to fend for themselves while he seeks an alternate solution. Somehow that feels like less of a concern than it might have at the start of all this, though. He still remembers the thing wearing Dean's face sneering at him, mocking him for not being able to give even more than he already had. ]

[whiteknightnecromancer]

I'm sure he appreciates that. He sounded lonely.

He also said that you- Well, he made it sound like you might be lonely too. When you go back, what are you going back to?

[Dorian asks in a low, quiet voice.]

[godsspeed]

I don't know. I think I must be dead, but if I'm not...

Two human men, who convinced me to turn against my mission because they were convinced that they could save the world without as much needless loss and death as Heaven was prepared to enact. I'm no longer sure I made the right choice, but... they trusted me, and I trusted them.

Other than that, no one. Nothing. I had a sister - Anna, my former commander - who had turned her back on Heaven before me, but I betrayed her and brought their wrath down upon her, back when I still thought the cause was just.

It's only a matter of time before I share the same fate, if I haven't already.

[whiteknightnecromancer]

Sorry, I need both hands for this next patch.

[Dorian is lying to buy time to think that over.]

I am here again.

You felt your mission was corrupt and worth turning against? Then it is better that you did than feel you were wrong but continue anyway. Fighting corruption is a worthy thing and if you have compatriots, so much the better.

Turning against the purpose you were created for is very difficult and you are to be commended for managing it. It's confusing and it hurts and losing the people who would have stood by you if you could have just done as you were told, that feels like your fault. Yes?

[Dorian sounds tense and upset but sincere.]

[godsspeed]

Thank you. That's what almost everyone here who I've told about what I did has told me, but...

I don't know. The last thing I remember before arriving here is sacrificing myself to give them time to enact their plan. For all I know they could have failed immediately after, and all our efforts could have resulted in more deaths, ultimately, than if we had acted as we were originally supposed to.

I can't say. You sound like you understand, though. How difficult this is.

[whiteknightnecromancer]

I don't think acting as we're told to has much value in itself. What you believe is right, that has to mean something. Otherwise we're blinding ourselves to our surroundings. Even if acting as we feel we should ends in failure, the attempt to do the right thing for the right reasons must be worth something. At least, I hope it is. It all seems rather pointless if trying to do the right thing is meaningless.

My culture makes much of blood ties and family. I opted out. Refused to live the lie my parents did. It cost me and them a great deal.

[There's more sadness than bitterness in the last statement.]

You see, we altus mages are bred for our magical prowess, appearance, intelligence, and so forth. My parents were selected for the compatibility of their heritage, not their personalities. How selfish of me not to want to pass that on.

[Dorian cuts himself off from continuing in that vein.]

[godsspeed]

Family expectations can often be a terrible burden to bear.

I'm just not sure how to take the possibility that my actions could have made things better, but in all likelihood made them much, much worse. It's not something I've ever had to deal with before.

Talking about it has been helping though. I think. So, thank you for that. I'm sorry you've found yourself in a similar enough situation to sympathize.

Sorry, needed to think about this one

[whiteknightnecromancer]

I- yes. That's likely true.

[Dorian pauses for a moment, making a thoughtful noise.]

I know what it's like to be told that your life, your existence is for a purpose. A good purpose, even. One meant to bring good things to other people as well as yourself. And to be told that if you- I- fail to fulfill it, then I am not just failing my family, I am failing myself and the people who depend on us.

It's good that any sort of comfort can come of that.